TALE OF THE TAPE

Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

Colin Kaepernick
Video Game QB
Rating in Madden ‘13?
80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.
Winner 99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!
Better Name?
While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Winner Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
College?
Winner While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
Most Impressive Performance?
Winner In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.
It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.
Upside?
Winner All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.
While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.
Has an Awesome Pet?
Winner When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?
No.

The Winner Is

Winner Colin Kaepernick
4 out of 6

The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - SEPTEMBER 25:  Odell Beckham #13 of the New York Giants breaks a tackle by Josh Norman #24 of the Washington Redskins in the second half at MetLife Stadium on September 25, 2016 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  (Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images) CHARLOTTE, NC - SEPTEMBER 25:   Cam Newton #1 of the Carolina Panthers runs the ball against Everson Griffen #97 and Tom Johnson #92 of the Minnesota Vikings in the 1st half during their game at Bank of America Stadium on September 25, 2016 in Charlotte, North Carolina.  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
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  2. KANSAS CITY, MO - SEPTEMBER 25: Center Mitch Morse #61 of the Kansas City Chiefs prepares to snap the ball to Alex Smith #11 at Arrowhead Stadium during the second quarter of the game against the New York Jets on September 25, 2016 in Kansas City, Missouri. (Photo by Peter Aiken/Getty Images) PHILADELPHIA, PA - SEPTEMBER 25: Quarterback  Ben Roethlisberger #7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers passes against  Bennie Logan #96 of the Philadelphia Eagles in the fourth quarter at Lincoln Financial Field on September 25, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  (Photo by Alex Goodlett/Getty Images)
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  3. ARLINGTON, TX - SEPTEMBER 25:  Dak Prescott #4 of the Dallas Cowboys throws against the Chicago Bears in the fourth quarter at AT&T Stadium on September 25, 2016 in Arlington, Texas.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images) SEATTLE, WA - SEPTEMBER 25:  Running back Carlos Hyde #28 of the San Francisco 49ers rushes for a touchdown in the fourth quarter against the Seattle Seahawks at CenturyLink Field on September 25, 2016 in Seattle, Washington. The Seahawks defeated the 49ers 37-18.  (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)
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