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TALE OF THE TAPE

New England Patriots Vs. The Dark Knight Rises

New England Patriots
The Dark Knight Rises
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Initial Excitement?
“YEAHHHH!”* (*BUT only for Patriots fans)
Winner “WOOOOO!”
Vague Sense of Worry?
"Why...are we struggling against the Bills and the Jets?"
Winner "Why...is Bruce Wayne hobbling around a broken down apartment?"
Leading man?
Winner Handsome-yet-ruffled protagonist, still arguably in his prime, yet possessing some silly, silly hair. Whines kind of a lot.
Handsome-yet-beaten down protagonist, well past his prime, but still hoping to make a difference.
Growing Sense of Worry?
Winner Man...Rob Gronkowski sure does spend a lot of his life injured.
Winner Man...Bruce Wayne sure does spend a lot of this movie injured.
Features Hines Ward?
No, which stinks, because even retired, he’d be their 2nd best receiver - maybe their best receiver - in 2013.
Winner With gusto!
Unsettling Level of Violence?
Something, something, Aaron Hernandez, something.
Winner That time that everyone in the stadium died...except Hines Ward.
Secret Supervillain
Winner Bernard Pollard.
That silly-voiced fella who gets taken down by Anne Hathaway.
Wise Mentor?
[Emperor Palpatine] Bill Belichick.
Winner Michael Caine!
Most Illogical Move?
Winner Cutting Wes Welker!
Announcing comeback by burning a gasoline bat into the Brooklyn Bridge. That probably took way more time than it needed to, Bats.
Secretly Lousy?
Winner It’s looking that way, but the season is still early.
Yeah.

The Winner Is

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Winner The Dark Knight Rises
6 out of 10

With a score of 6 out of 10, The Dark Knight Rises takes it! But don’t put too much stock into this. Both are probably overrated.
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. ATLANTA, GA - JANUARY 22:  Matt Ryan #2 of the Atlanta Falcons looks to pass against the Green Bay Packers during the first quarter in the NFC Championship Game at the Georgia Dome on January 22, 2017 in Atlanta, Georgia.  (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images) FOXBORO, MA - JANUARY 22:  Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots throws a pass during the second half against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Championship Game at Gillette Stadium on January 22, 2017 in Foxboro, Massachusetts.  (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
    Super Bowl LI Tale Of The Tape: Atlanta Falcons vs. New England Patriots

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  2. KANSAS CITY, MP - JANUARY 15:  Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger #7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers looks to throw a pass against the Kansas City Chiefs during the first quarter in the AFC Divisional Playoff game at Arrowhead Stadium on January 15, 2017 in Kansas City, Missouri.  (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images) FOXBORO, MA - JANUARY 14: Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots looks to pass in the second half against the Houston Texans during the AFC Divisional Playoff Game at Gillette Stadium on January 14, 2017 in Foxboro, Massachusetts.  (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
    Conference Championship Tale: Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots

    The Steelers and Patriots meet in Foxboro for the right to go to Super Bowl LI in Houston.

  3. ARLINGTON, TX - JANUARY 15:  Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers drops back to pass during the first quarter against the Dallas Cowboys in the NFC Divisional Playoff game at AT&T Stadium on January 15, 2017 in Arlington, Texas.  (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images) ATLANTA, GA - JANUARY 14:  Matt Ryan #2 of the Atlanta Falcons drops back to pass against the Seattle Seahawks during the game at the Georgia Dome on January 14, 2017 in Atlanta, Georgia.  (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
    Conference Championship Tale: Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons

    Two MVP candidates at quarterback meet up in Atlanta for the right to go to Super Bowl LI in Houston.

See All Tales of the Tape

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