TALE OF THE TAPE

Cleveland Browns In The Playoffs Vs. Chances Of Seeing A UFO

The Cleveland Browns have become the perennial laughingstock of the NFL. Without fail, each year they drag their loving, loyal fans to deeper and darker corners of despair. Some manage to stick through it. Some try to ignore it. But no matter how you slice it, Cleveland regularly puts out a big pile of stink each and every year.

So, that got us wondering, what’s more likely this year: a Browns playoff appearance or a UFO sighting?

Let’s go to the tape…

Cleveland Browns Playoff
UFO Sighting
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Last Time It Happened
2002. Wait, really? Huh. How about that.
Winner May 11th, 2011 in Pretoria, South Africa. Interestingly, the most recent time before was also in Pretoria, on July 21, 2010.
Yeah, But Did It REALLY Happen?
Winner Apparently, it’s happened 28 times.
They say they have photographs of orange lights, but, come on. We’re skeptical until proven otherwise.
Will It Happen Again?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE
Winner Well, this assumes it’s happened before. But you’ve gotta believe that in a spiraling, infinite universe full of infinite possibilities, somewhere out there, in one of the myriad multiverses, there is intelligent life that will one day visit us and say – “Hello.”
What's More Enjoyable?
Fans will likely be more heartbroken over the inevitable Wild Card loss than excited for their sneaking into the playoffs. We suspect there is no joy here, even in victory.
Winner If it’s anything like the movies, you’ll be poked, prodded, cut open, and experimented on. But at least those wounds heal. The spiritual wounds of being a Browns fan…probably don’t.
Reaction To It Happening?
Winner GUUUUUUUU OUR 29 YEAR OLD QUARTERB- I can’t believe it, I NAHNAHNAH oh god, we’re gonna HNNNNNG! *inaudible grumbling*
Winner HNNNNG! I gotta – there’s a light! Someone! You don’t under- oh God, they’re gonna: HEY CALL THE PAPER! I hmmm HNNNNG! *inaudible grumbling*

The Winner Is

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Winner UFO Sighting
4 out of 5

You heard it here first. With a score of 4 to 2, a UFO sighting takes it over the Cleveland Browns. But hey, don’t worry, Cleveland folks. You can still rest easy knowing the rest of your pro teams are pretty great, right?
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

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