Many Parents Struggle With Helping Children Cope With 9/11

DENVER (CBS4)- Parents march through DIA with their children in tow. They cue up in line to head through security, fiddling with bags, commanding their kids to take off shoes and even offer up stuffed animals for examination.

"That's his reality, he's now 10 years old so for him it's normal ... to be more protected," said one dad.

This weekend's anniversary of the attacks of 9/11 is in the background.

"And we told him this is reality and that he should not be afraid of it because these are some crazy guys."

Not all parents have yet broached the topic of 9/11, but children do realize there's something there – something bad.

"I think it's important to stay engaged and not to assume that they can figure it out without parents being close to what's going on," said Dr. Ron Lee, co-coordinator of mental health for Cherry Creek Schools.

The district has put out tips for parents and caregivers.

"It is a teachable moment in response to we're all different people and we're all Americans here," added Lee.

"You know you can't skim around it, children need to know," Nancy Pertrucelli, a teacher from New Jersey told us. "Because otherwise then I think it's worse for them."

Where she teaches the images are enduring and there are families that have lost loved ones.

In Colorado, there's some distance from the events of 9/11, but children may be asking more questions as they see news coverage or even hear their parents talking about America's tragic day.

Getting it started may be a little uncomfortable for you. Lisa Vratny-Smith, a mother and social worker who has blogged about the need to talk to children about 9/11 for the website milehighmomas.com.

"Just yesterday afternoon while my 11-year-old was at soccer practice I was sitting with my 9-year-old and I said, 'So what do you know about 9/11?'"

The first response she got was interrupted by a distraction a few moments later, but she found he had been thinking about it.

"He talked about that he knew about the towers and the airplanes crashing into them and that he knew about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan."

It is difficult to gauge what it might mean to your children, but the door is open.

"Kids take their cues from adults and that's why parents need be reassuring that things are safe and they will take care of these kids," said Lee.

Sometimes there are more severe reactions, which can be exacerbated by stressful family situations.

"It's important for parents to first of all take stock in what do they believe and what do they feel about 9/11 so that they feel more solid in terms of how they respond to their kids," Lee continued. "Sometimes there are more extreme responses like nightmares or clinginess or anxiety or preoccupations with 9/11. In those cases parents need to be paying attention to kids and in those extreme responses they may want to consider either going to their pediatrician, mental health at schools or in the private sector or other responses that may be appropriate."

The discussion should take into account the age of the child.

"Basically for younger kids I think really positive things about the outcome of 9/11 in terms of the service and the great response of mental health, fire police and medical had in response to it. For older kids they can handle more of the historical context and it can be more in that vein."

That is the focus of Vratney-Smith's discussions.

"The piece for me that I really want to pass on to my children is not the terror attack but all of the amazing things that happened afterwards. The courage and the compassion and the generosity that people showed and have continued to show."

That makes it a lesson that goes beyond the tragedy of 9/11 and makes it a more positive discussion about one of the most tragic and violent events in American history.

Additional Resources

The 9/11 Memorial's website has resources and information on talking with children.

Lisa Vratny Smith's blog on Mile High Mamas.com addresses talking with kids about the tragedy.

Cherry Creek Schools provides tips for parents and caregivers.